Vanille's Atonement
by Ayreonaute
Summary: What goes through Vanille's mind as her dear friend points the gun at her. Oneshot. SPOILER ALERT: DON'T READ UNTIL YOU FINISH CHAPTER 8. Unless you're okay with spoilers.


Vanille's Atonement

- I really love the piece Atonement, it's so calm and slightly melancholic. For some reason it makes me think of Vanille so I decided to let it inspire me and write a little piece. Please let me know what you think. Enjoy! -

Sazh, Vanille, Dajh and Final Fantasy 13 are property of Square Enix.

Our breathing was heavy and tired, but we had done it. We had tamed Brynhildr. Somehow, in the midst of this mess, we had managed to turn off the pain and fight for survival. No, Sazh's survival. That was the thing at stake when the fiery titan appeared from what seemed to be Sazhs heart, the keeping-place of all the sorrows that I caused. Before I could even return to my mind and think, hope, that this was it, he pointed his gun at me again. This time he seemed determined. The black tunnel of the holster was staring at me, and I could not look away. I could almost see that awful scene repeat itself within them. I could not look away then either.

If only she hadn't revealed the truth. I could have comforted Sazh and maybe saved him from that vile woman and her soldiers. Back home at Pulse the weather could get so cold we had to envelop ourselves in pelts that made everything clumsy to do. But this woman wasn't cold. She was icy. Of stone. Heartless.

And yet everything she said was true. I HAD stolen his son... and he had done so much for me.

Why did this have to happen, our friendship turning to hate? Why this boy, and this man? Could it not have been someone else? But I chastised myself for that selfish thought. I was the guilty one, and in no position to blame the circumstances.

I would not have liked to go against Fang, but if I knew that this innocent child, who endeared me so much those precious seconds before things went wrong, was the child of the one I'd come to meet... travel with, laugh with... I would have said no.

But I didn't. I listened to her because I didn't want her to worry about me. After all that had happened, all that time ago... I couldn't bear to hurt her. So I lied. And later, when I found out who had been branded because of Fangs desire to dig up our memories - a desire that wouldn't have been there had I not lied to her - I lied to another friend. Sazh. My dear, heartbroken friend and soon-to-be executioner.

I stared back at him with a tunnel vision. I deserved this. I knew it. Guilt poured over me and I cried, but he didn't even blink. I could not expect that from him. Did I even want him to spare me? Even if he'd turn away and let me live, would I be able to live with the knowledge that I ripped his son away from him? No, I wasn't allowed to think about myself. I had been selfish enough as it was. I thought I'd do well by lying, that I would keep the ones close to me from getting hurt. But in the end it only made things worse.

And yet, I couldn't help asking myself if I wanted to live at all. And as I did, for a split second, I longed for death. Not only would it release me from my grief, and my fate as a l'Cie... it would also bring about justice. And maybe... maybe if he did it, he could forgive me, even though he said things wouldn't just be okay once I was dead. Even though he was right, couldn't I hope?

But I had nothing else to hope for save a quick and relatively painless death. I hadn't the right to anything else.

I closed my eyes, my arms spread, waiting for my end. I could not make up for what I did by saving Sazh, so there was nothing left but to allow him to have his retribution. Even if he had nothing else to live for, maybe this would bring him some peace of mind.

That would be my atonement.

But the longer I stood there, eyes closed and braced for the impact of the bullet, the more nervous I became. Why wouldn't he shoot? Then I heard his voice, laden with weariness.

"A lot of things can be excused..."

But not taking your only child...

"Shooting kids ain't one."

I opened my eyes, not really processing what was happening. He was letting me go? He would let me live? But why? I was not worthy of life! After what I had done to him, his forgiveness was unconditional... no, kindless like his you don't forget.

I collapsed on the floor, on my knees, and sobbed, mourning the loss of everything we had shared, but also poor little Dajh. I didn't expect him to feel sorry for me, I would do that just fine. I could just as well have turned ciet'h already. From what Fang told me it was no different from what I felt now; the eternal anger and regret, the unceasing hatred for everything that lived and rejoiced... maybe it would even be better? I knew in my heart it could not, but it felt that way.

I was yanked out of my self-pitying thoughts by Sazhs chocobo, who leapt on my knee and squeeked. He seemed apprehensive. When I looked up I saw why, though my vision was still troubled.

"Enough..." he said.

Horror possessed me, and I looked away. Again.

I buried my face in my hands. If only I had four of them, so I could have also stopped my ears.

"Is enough."

I will never forget the awful sound that followed. The last confirmation of what I had wrought.


End file.
